Tragically depressed...

is what I'm not. And I hope people realize that when they read my blog. When people say "Hi, how are you?" I don't go into the things I have been pondering coz I don't assume they want to know it all. But if you're here choosing to read what I've written, then you get what I wrote. I have different avenues to express myself in, and most of my frustration will wind its way to being expressed here.

I think we always assume people are hiding things too. If I have written this much for the public eye, then what must be going on deep inside? But that's not true of me. This is what's going on. Sorry to disappoint you. This isn't the tip of the iceberg; it's pretty much the whole iceberg save a few things I keep treasured in my heart or whispered to the heart of God.

Just so you know. :o)

Get your riot gear...

*Spoiler Warning: The following blog is a glimpse into the emotionally frustrated side of its author and should be taken with a grain of salt.*

I just got online and found I had three new comments on my blog, two of which were responding to my plea for community by offering links to an online dating service. I suppose that's not a completely unreasonable response.

...Feeling lost and lonely? You need a manly man...

What a riot. As much as I would love for said manly man to find me, I have a hard time believing that a husband counts as community. At least not until a few years down the road when we've made a dent in having the quiver-full of children I've always hoped for. And that statement alone is enough to deter even stout-hearted-would-be-pursuers.

So naturally I'm wondering if the comment was a hint from someone I actually know, or a random plug for the latest greatest dating site.

While I'm on the subject of dating... this topic was my main theme of thought over the weekend. It is a recent realization that most guys totally misinterpret the way I live. I have been told by a guy that I am so determined and driven I appear disinterested in the prospect of a relationship. It seems I emit some kind of reverse tractor beam that repels men and sends out an encrypted signal telling them to run. At least that's what I'd like to think. I mean, I have only been asked out once in three years and I'd much rather peg it on an unintentional quasi-galacticesque miscommunication than assume guys just don't find me attractive as a person (i.e. I have major spiritual/character/personality flaws and am ghastly ugly).

Anyway, while my "fierce independence" may be interpreted as a lack of interest in "settling down," it's really just a coping mechanism. The fact is, I am alone. While I am alone I'm going to give it my all. Who knows when/if I will get married. I sure don't want to be pathetically waiting for a husband only to find it never happens. I met a missionary my first week in Japan who had originally gone to Japan with short-term plans so she never bothered to study Japanese. She ended up living in Japan for over 7 years, but still hadn't learned a lick of the lingo because her mentality continued to be short-term even though the reality was quite different. I think that's a travesty. I don't want to wait until I'm married to live, coz I may never live. Even though I want almost nothing more than to be married, I am not guaranteed a husband and I think it's a silly waste to waste away waiting.

That's Part I of my thoughts. Part II is vastly more important, and may seem to contradict Part I but I think they're both equally true at the same time.

Part II
I am arrogant. I am an arrogant fool. I was talking to a dear friend this weekend about a guy friend of ours, and she made the comment that if he thought he would have a chance with me, he would probably ask me out. And I had to ask myself, why would he assume he doesn't have a chance with me? I know that I don't belong on anyone's pedestal, and therefore I have a hard time believing anyone would put me on a pedestal. If a decent guy (see my mental list for further information) asked me out I would say yes. It's not like we're committing our lives to each other on the first date. That's like date three or something (kidding). Guys are just too wussy to ask. That's not my fault. But you know what, it is largely my fault. Coz I have put myself on the very pedestal I know I don't deserve. Along with the initial encryption of "run" is the message that "I'm too good for you. You don't deserve me. You ask, you get rejected." Understand this is not my conscious intention. I am just realizing myself that/how/why I do this. And that reeks heavily. And the root... has got to be selfishness. I don't want to get hurt, so I subconsciously ward of guys. And I don't want others to see through me, so I attack them first.

I'm really tired of writing about this so I guess I'm done for now. Anyway, I plan on reforming. I don’t want to be arrogant. And I don’t want to be selfish. And I don’t want a relationship that serves to feed or enable my arrogance or selfishness. And I want to be a good sister to my brothers which means letting them into my life. So that's what has been on my mind.

Lacking Change, Looking to Community

Recently a few of you have inquired as to why I haven't been posting anything. I think the answer is pretty simple: I haven't been changing. At least not for the better. Don't get me wrong, I haven't necessarily been changing for the worse either. I just haven't been changing.

So why not? Now that's a bit more complicated, or at least it seems so to me. The immediate "pat" answer is simple-- I haven't been "in the Word" or communicating with God "like I should." If I don't talk with God I'm not likely to hear anything back, now am I? Doesn't leave me with a whole lot of thoughts to ponder or share with others. But why the lapse in communion? That's the real question. That's where the simple becomes complicated.

Why does a child of God who has experienced His goodness stop approaching Him? I don't know. I asked myself this on the way to work this morning. I didn't really have an answer. I'd like to say "depravity" and leave it at that. But somehow depravity seems like an easy out. A cop out. Yes, I was born in depravity. But I am something more than deprave now because of what God has done (and is doing, even if He seems invisible/silent at the moment). I am a new creation in Christ Jesus: "the old has gone, the new has come" (2 Cor. 5:17). Grasping at depravity takes away my responsibility to be a new kind of human. A human redeemed by the blood of Christ. A human that in some bizarre and beautiful paradox is both called to be and declared to be holy.

When it comes to Bible reading and prayer-- Christian disciplines that are often exalted to the exclusion of other spiritual disciplines-- I am a spiritual loser. I don't really like reading the Bible. I try to like it. I can convince myself that I like it for a day or two. And then I don't like it anymore. Not because I get convicted or confronted. Because I don't get anything. For some reason the Bible doesn't seem to speak to me when I read it by myself. Now you're worried about the state of my salvation. Or maybe you're connecting with me and worried about the state of yours. Don't worry-- not even being honest with yourself and God can snatch you out of the Father's hands (Romans 8:38-40).

I'd love to love the Bible. I really would. I know people that love the Bible. My mom does. Her faithfulness to search out and apply the truths in Scripture to her life is a living testimony. My college roommate does. If the Bible had groupies she'd be the honorary leader. I just don't. I want to though. I really do.

I wonder. I wonder if I'm normal. I wonder if there are a few rare people like my mom and my roommate that actually love the Bible. The rest of us just know we should and pretend like we do, all the while knowing we don't. If that's the case then there is something big that we are all missing. We are trying to force one approach to something and it's not working.

Sometimes I wonder if I can blame it on modernity... the individualistic emphasis on my personal relationship with Christ, my quiet time, what God says to me when I read the Bible... I learn more and am shaped more when I am learning within a group... interacting and discussing and living out the faith in community. We're always warned about that though. Weak Christians need other Christians, strong Christians have a good personal relationship (which is measured by length and intensity of their "quiet time").

I'm not recommending an at-Church-only faith. I'm not suggesting I should only read the Bible on Sunday as I follow along with the sermon. I am just suggesting that for some of us, those who struggle with personal devotions or what have you, maybe there is an alternative that is not weak or cowardly. Maybe recognizing that we need others in order to have the discipline to study and apply Scripture can be a positive thing for us. Committing to and relying on a group definitely can't be any worse than doing jack squat on your own.

In eleven days I'm moving. I'm moving from sharing a townhouse with another girl around my age to living with a family of five. When I tell people this, I get varying reactions. Most of them are like "You're crazy! You must be pretty broke/desperate/deranged. I couldn't STAND giving up my freedom/space/serenity to live with a family." I am excited. I think this is going to be an adjustment. I think it's going to be difficult. I think it's exactly what I need. I've lived in community most of my life, but I've done so unintentionally and with an individualistic perspective. When I graduated from college, I could not wait to live all by myself. But once I started living almost on my own, I realized it was bad for me. I want to live by myself because I am selfish; living by myself only exacerbates my condition.

Over the past year I have had the chance to study the Church. My view of what Church is, or even more what Church is created and called to be, is changing my perspective on a lot of things. I have a new appreciation for community, and see my need for it so much more clearly. Yes, I as an individual need to be part of a group. I wonder how/if living in a more communal arrangement will affect my spiritual life. Of course living with people and loving them is a test of my love for God. It's easy to say I love God, and hard to love His people (not to mention the world). I also wonder what kind of spiritual disciplines my "new community" of home might embrace and pursue together. How will this change my relationship with God?

So, it took me a while to start this blog and I don't have any ideas on how to finish it. These are the things I have been chewing on and regurgitating for quite some time now. They're not necessarily more processed or completed with time. I can't imagine regurgitation ever makes things pretty.