Get your riot gear...

*Spoiler Warning: The following blog is a glimpse into the emotionally frustrated side of its author and should be taken with a grain of salt.*

I just got online and found I had three new comments on my blog, two of which were responding to my plea for community by offering links to an online dating service. I suppose that's not a completely unreasonable response.

...Feeling lost and lonely? You need a manly man...

What a riot. As much as I would love for said manly man to find me, I have a hard time believing that a husband counts as community. At least not until a few years down the road when we've made a dent in having the quiver-full of children I've always hoped for. And that statement alone is enough to deter even stout-hearted-would-be-pursuers.

So naturally I'm wondering if the comment was a hint from someone I actually know, or a random plug for the latest greatest dating site.

While I'm on the subject of dating... this topic was my main theme of thought over the weekend. It is a recent realization that most guys totally misinterpret the way I live. I have been told by a guy that I am so determined and driven I appear disinterested in the prospect of a relationship. It seems I emit some kind of reverse tractor beam that repels men and sends out an encrypted signal telling them to run. At least that's what I'd like to think. I mean, I have only been asked out once in three years and I'd much rather peg it on an unintentional quasi-galacticesque miscommunication than assume guys just don't find me attractive as a person (i.e. I have major spiritual/character/personality flaws and am ghastly ugly).

Anyway, while my "fierce independence" may be interpreted as a lack of interest in "settling down," it's really just a coping mechanism. The fact is, I am alone. While I am alone I'm going to give it my all. Who knows when/if I will get married. I sure don't want to be pathetically waiting for a husband only to find it never happens. I met a missionary my first week in Japan who had originally gone to Japan with short-term plans so she never bothered to study Japanese. She ended up living in Japan for over 7 years, but still hadn't learned a lick of the lingo because her mentality continued to be short-term even though the reality was quite different. I think that's a travesty. I don't want to wait until I'm married to live, coz I may never live. Even though I want almost nothing more than to be married, I am not guaranteed a husband and I think it's a silly waste to waste away waiting.

That's Part I of my thoughts. Part II is vastly more important, and may seem to contradict Part I but I think they're both equally true at the same time.

Part II
I am arrogant. I am an arrogant fool. I was talking to a dear friend this weekend about a guy friend of ours, and she made the comment that if he thought he would have a chance with me, he would probably ask me out. And I had to ask myself, why would he assume he doesn't have a chance with me? I know that I don't belong on anyone's pedestal, and therefore I have a hard time believing anyone would put me on a pedestal. If a decent guy (see my mental list for further information) asked me out I would say yes. It's not like we're committing our lives to each other on the first date. That's like date three or something (kidding). Guys are just too wussy to ask. That's not my fault. But you know what, it is largely my fault. Coz I have put myself on the very pedestal I know I don't deserve. Along with the initial encryption of "run" is the message that "I'm too good for you. You don't deserve me. You ask, you get rejected." Understand this is not my conscious intention. I am just realizing myself that/how/why I do this. And that reeks heavily. And the root... has got to be selfishness. I don't want to get hurt, so I subconsciously ward of guys. And I don't want others to see through me, so I attack them first.

I'm really tired of writing about this so I guess I'm done for now. Anyway, I plan on reforming. I don’t want to be arrogant. And I don’t want to be selfish. And I don’t want a relationship that serves to feed or enable my arrogance or selfishness. And I want to be a good sister to my brothers which means letting them into my life. So that's what has been on my mind.